Funny What if I Die Texts
You know how the saying goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And there's so much truth to that old adage. If you're having a bad day, or if someone you love needs a little cheering up, humor can help ease the tension and create a little pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an array of ways to trigger that smile and turn around someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We've got funny quotes about love, marriage, aging, parenting, and so many more relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even just to print and hang above your desk to serve as a little reminder that life's not that serious — and we're all much better off laughing so we don't cry!
These funny quotes come from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller. You'll also find laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-but-oh-so-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our list and bookmark it to come back to anytime you need a laugh.
Looking for more inspiration? Check out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes about life.
Funny Quotes About Life
1. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
2. "There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—W.C. Fields
4. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
—Elbert Hubbard
6. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae West
7. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
9. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
10. "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
―Mae West
11. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
13. "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
14. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
15. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
16. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
19. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office
21. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Office
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I drink to make other people more interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you." —Rita Mae Brown
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes About Aging
41. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How you stay looking so young?' I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
46. "No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
47. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes About Marriage
50. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Short Funny Quotes
59. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any."
—Samuel L. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Bill Watterson
64. "Don't be so humble — you are not that great."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
―Will Rogers
66. "I've had great success being a total idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Mark Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston S. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting
80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes About Work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Office
90. "So this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
―Jerome K. Jerome
95. "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure."
—Mark Twain
100. "Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
—Will Rogers
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